My writing is just deteriorating…
I can’t write an essay for nuts. When I could once spout arguments that could last 1200 words easy, this is just… depressing.
My vocabulary of late has been decidedly… lackluster.
Don’t even talk about spelling, I don’t know what I would do without spellcheck. If I didn’t have that, I would constantly be misunderstood by everyone because I typed something totally different from what I meant.
And then there’s content and presentation. Well. As seen from me writing this post, it is coherent but not entertaining, amusing or anything along those lines. It’s shallow and simply beyond the pale.
Thank goodness journalism is not my goal, but I still need to write well!!! UGH. What’s happening to me? Is my brain rotting? But how can that be when I’m still using it? Maybe I’m getting old and am losing brain cells by the millisecond and my brain cell factory simply can’t keep up. Do I even have a brain cell factory? If I don’t does it mean that I only lose brain cells and never gain new ones?! What a depressing prospect…
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Someone asked me a question today, out of the blue:
Don’t you get lonely?
It stumped me for a moment, I simply didn’t know what to say, I then brushed it off with a simple “Doesn’t everyone get lonely sometimes?” and a smile.
Most of the time, when people see me, they see a very independent girl who has never been in a relationship because she doesn’t want, it, have time for it, etc. And most of the time, it’s so true. I can’t see how I could possibly fit a guy into my life.
And yet there are times when I feel so terribly alone. It doesn’t matter how many people I have around me, or even who for that matter. It just seems as if the whole world has someone special, that someone to share the tears and the laughter, that someone to just stay on the phone with, even if you don’t say anything. And I… don’t.
Most people have a group of friends, a clique or whatever, but I don’t. Not really. In church now, I don’t really belong anywhere, and I haven’t for so many years. In school, I don’t have that group that I feel I can take refuge in. In ambs… I guess it’s too late now cause I don’t wanna barge in to the groups that have already formed. Most of the time, it seems it’s me, the outsider looking in. I do need my alone time, but when I get back to the world, it seems that it has moved on without me and I just don’t see the point in trying to catch up, to try and join cliques that have been established. And yet the more I do this, the worse I feel each time. It’s a vicious vicious cycle.
So many times, people have commented that I’m really popular or that I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me and that I have a lot of friends. I generally just smile, but inside I’m correcting them. I don’t think I’m really popular, it’s just that life has brought me into contact with many people. I do know a lot of people, but I don’t have that many friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not a lot of friends. It’s a world of difference.
I don’t wanna sound pathetic, and I don’t wanna feel this way, throw a pity party for myself and all that, but sometimes… I feel so very very alone. Maybe I’m never meant to really fit in anywhere.
This kept weighing on my mind on the way back home today and it hasn’t quit. This and the many what ifs that creep into my thoughts.
I may seem like the really confident one, the one who is a friend with anyone and everyone. The truth is that I’m horribly crippled in one area. I simply don’t know how to deal with crushes/love/whatever. If a guy says he likes me, I don’t know how to deal with it and I just back off. If I like a guy, I don’t do anything about it, well other than obsessing about it of course. But even if I did like a guy and he reciprocated those feelings, I wouldn’t know what to do about it. In fact, it happened, and I just backed off. It’s these situations that come back to haunt me and I think… what if…
But it’s so useless having these thoughts, so once in awhile, I indulge in my own private pity party, then I pack up the emotions and thoughts that are not helping, and squeeze them into this little place inside of me, and carry on as I normally do.
And yet… sometimes, it just seems as if I’m alone in my corner, me against the world, and I feel so alone and tired of fighting a losing battle.
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I say, love songs totally brainwash you. Especially young impressionable kids who don’t know anything better. They give you an image of love that is totally irrational and unattainable, and then everyone goes around looking for the ‘perfect’ love, when there is really no such thing in the BGR world. They are so busy looking for the ‘perfect’ love that they totally miss the RIGHT love. Is that not such a depressing thought?!
I’m not saying I hate songs from Taylor Swift or anything, they’re nice to listen to once in awhile and can SOMETIMES make you wanna believe in a brighter more beautiful world, but that’s just not reality yo… So many people spend their lives with their heads in the clouds. But guess what? The clouds are a long way from the ground and when you fall… Gosh but I bet it really hurts.
Random stream of consciousness: can guys and girls really remain just as platonic friends? Guess it depends on the people involved eh.
I just realized that Chinese love songs can be really really good emo songs cause a lot of them have really emo tunes and I THINK they have emo words too. Too bad my Chinese isn’t that good that I actually understand most of what they’re saying. Maybe that should be inspiration enough for me to brush up on my mother tongue! Uh… maybe not now.
*yawns* Pris will not fall asleep during lecture today. She was struggling to stay awake during Feature. Struggling. Because she stayed up late last night finishing her report on SPH’s financials. Why? She isn’t even doing a business course! Yeah, she isn’t but she is doing an extra minor certification in business… So there you have it. Pris will set a record and not fall asleep during PR lecture this week, for the uh 2nd or 3rd week in a row. Hopefully.
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People like to ask me what I wanna do in the future.
Seriously, I have no idea. I’d like to go into PR, but when you’re in Mass Com, there are so many things you can do. You don’t do everything well, yes, but still you CAN do a lot of stuff. Like radio and me. I quite like radio, I think I do alright with it, and it is a viable career option, but whether I WANT to do it is another matter. I don’t know.
Well, something quite funny happened yesterday. I have an on-air radio test in around 1 and a half hours time, so I was practicing yesterday after school. I was happily doing my show and just after I started, I saw a guy walk pass the studio. Ok here’s e logistics I’m at the console, in front of me is this 2-way glass panel and on the other side is the corridor. So the guy was walking in the corridor.I noticed him stopping outside the glass panel, then I just tuned him out. Because I had a lot of things to focus on…
SO, when I finally finished my first practice, I turned around and was talking to Clare, Sarah Nat, Lenne, Naf and Hui Shan, when Clare suddenly said, “Uh, Pris, there’s this guy outisde applauding.” Of course I was like wth… and seriously, the guy was outside clapping… I was like, ahhh… thank you. Mouthing the words of course. Then he picked up his stuff and went off. weirdness…
I think he must be some year 1 who really really really likes radio. But it was nice to know that hey I wasn’t so bad after all for my second time at the console.
All the best for your test later Pris! 
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It’s always tough spring cleaning my room, and yet, that was exactly what I have been doing today.
I always have to go through my things and decide what stays and what needs to go. It’s the toughest deciding whether you should throw away random pieces of paper with messages from your friends scribbled on them. Or even things that you have received from friends that have rusted, spoiled, or are otherwise white elephants. That is probably the reason why my room resembles the rag-and-bone man’s dream… Well that plus the fact that I sometimes buy things that I don’t really use. When I’m stressed that’s exactly what I do. Spending money is a kind of de-stress activity that is really really effective and satisfying.
But today was like a walk down memory lane. Sifted through so many notes from friends in my JC days, friends whom I do not talk to anymore, and it’s kinda sad. One friend in particular, we were classmates since sec 1 and then we worked together on the exco of the student council and we parted on less than the best of terms because of things and misunderstandings I think. In fact I’m still unsure what caused her blow up at me. I should have handled things differently, but I decided to take the high moral ground and simply let the accusations lie, refusing to address them. That relationship is probably the biggest regret of my 1 year+ in JC.
So spring cleaning isn’t simply cleaning out your room, and throwing out the rubbish you inevitably collect. It’s always a time for reflection and recollections. Not always easy, not always happy, but you still gotta do it.
Well, my nose is now itching like hell (wait do you think hell itches?) because of all that dust and guess what? I’m still not done clearing my room. So it’s back to my date with the dust, memories and a few tears.
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It just doesn’t seem right that life has to go on when I’m a mess inside. So many things hit me today. So many thoughts and feelings that I felt as if I couldn’t hold it all in anymore.
When I say I’m fine, I’m not, but I just don’t wanna talk about it because, where could I possibly start and how will I ever make sense to anyone who doesn’t live in my head? I’ll seem more a candidate for bedlam. Maybe I am.
I realize, so many times I seem like the one with the smiles. But no I’m not always that. In fact, I am a generally very happy kinda gal, but to make up for that, when I fall in a pit, I guess perhaps I really do.
There’s just so much going inside of me right now that even I can’t catch and remember all my thoughts and feelings. I can’t even sound halfway coherent to myself.
But I have to put all this aside, because I simply cannot afford to break apart now. But then again, when can I ever afford to break down? Sometimes I feel as if I have so many expectations on me, so many things I have to be, that I’ve just lost myself in the midst of all that.
I can even say that there are days that I don’t even like myself that much.
But life still goes on.
No, the world does not revolve around me. *gasps*
When all else fails, I guess I still have my sense of humour.
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Red Camp for me is over. Officially. It never did occur to me that this was my last Red Camp till a few days ago. And it didn’t actually hit me till today. And blame it all on Matt. He started feeling emo about the whole thing, though he definitely has good reason for it! and that started me thinking. It was only my second and yet my last Red Camp.
Red Camp 6 was really an experience. I was stretched to breaking point, did actually break down at the worst of it, and yet I think I have been changed immeasurably because of all this.
As I sit here in my room, not even changed out of the clothes I wore today for the finale, I feel so intensely grateful, to Thoma, Cheryl, Matt, Rox and all the Corp Coms staff for giving me this chance to host, for teaching me so many things I would otherwise have never learnt, perhaps in my entire life even.
Yes, perhaps there were times when I could have done things better, paid more attention, but hey, it’s from the mistakes that I learn. Matt and Rox are really awesome people to host with, and I’m so happy that my first time hosting was with them. They’ve really taught me so very very much.
Thoma and Cheryl are like the anchors in the storm, they always seem to be on top of things and they always gave us clear instructions. It was an absolute pleasure working with them.
So here ends my first attempt at hosting, perhaps it will be my last, and perhaps not. I have yet to decide if I have any aptitude for this because it really isn’t as easy as it looks. Matt and Rox really have my utmost respect.
And here ends my Red Camp journey.
PS: I still don’t know how I feel about it all, it being my last Red Camp.
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Gee… What happens when you’re human and you breathe underwater?
I’d have to say that… you’ll drown.
I simply have nothing else to say right now. Disappointments, frustration, tiredness… Most times it feels like I can deal with life, that everything’s ok. Then it all comes down. Like a house of cards.
God, teach me to walk ON water and not drown?
Sometimes the answers seem so logical and so obvious, and yet, somehow, you can’t bring yourself to do what you’re supposed to.
Sometimes I really have to wonder… Why life? Not why live, but something else. It’s the dilemma of living in the world and yet not being a part of it. Or something. Sometimes you just wanna distance yourself from all these petty concerns and worries, but yet you can’t do that, not totally. So, I guess I feel something like this…
Traffic – Marie Digby
This is the third time this week
that i find myself wandering down your street
and i can’t seem to give it up
i’ve even stopped making these excuses
for why you’re stuck here in my thoughts
when it’s been long enough
and i try to keep myself moving
but i’m not getting anywhere
i wait in the same spot
brain like a parking lot
you’re the traffic in my head
you’re the reason that i’m wrecked
i pray for it to stop
like rain on the sidewalk
the traffic in my head, you’re the traffic in my head
there’s just too much to forget
guess i should be happy now
everything is back to how it was
before you came around
i’m already changing
and i’ve even tried
to find a new distraction
but still you surround
as if it’s not hard enough
and i try to keep myself moving
but i’m not getting anywhere
a part of me thinks that i’m going crazy
the world’s spinning, my vision is hazy
and none of this makes any sense
i never meant for this to end
i can do what i have to do
if i could only get around you…
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