Hello. However it is that you’ve managed to find this, aloha!
Some things to take note if you still insist on reading my posts:
1. Locked posts titled “Protected: P: Title” are for your enjoyment, but if you want a password, you need to ask me for it.
2. I love writing prose and poetry, so some posts may seem weird and are fictional. This is my canvas
3. This is also my personal space. I’d rather you not ask me about whatever I pen down here.
4. I may or may not be writing about you. If you don’t like it, go away.
5. Don’t judge while you’re here.
I’m generally a happy and cheerful person because I think that being negative, sad and/or angry is such a waste of energy. That being said, I still do get pissed off sometimes (who doesn’t?) and I usually manifest that in sarcasm. It’s either that or tears, so I’d rather the sarcasm, really.
This blog is about my journey through life. So many times I have been on the verge of deleting posts, but I have refrained because they document how much I’ve grown and changed.
So here they are. Some of the facets of me, the good, the bad and the ugly, published for public consumption. Hopefully there’s more of the good and less of the bad and the ugly as God continues to shape me and grow me into the person He wants me to be.
“All of me, none of You.
More of me, less of You.
Less of me, more of You.
None of me, all of You.”
If you know me, then you know me. If you don’t, then perhaps there’s no need to. I’m really not all that interesting
CNY was pretty much as expected I think. Wish we had reunion dinner at home this year, but it was not to be. So we had it in some restaurant that was mega packed. Every time we have reunion dinner outside, we end up being dissatisfied and complaining, I don’t even know why we continue to try. And it’s so damn expensive! My goodness, when I heard the amount my aunt paid for the dinner… Let’s just say that we could have reunion dinner three times if we had it at home instead.
But I was just thinking. Since I got back, I’ve pretty much been a busy bee. I really only had a week’s holiday before I started working, and then meeting up with people after work, attending LG, church and all… I would like to have a holiday. I haven’t been this packed since… The last time I was back home. HAHAHA! I’ve gotten used to the pace of life in Hawaii and Australia. Sleeping in on the weekends, chilling on the beach or just hanging with Reem in the kitchen, walking around the city or uni…
Life’s quite a bit slower there. Yeah I do go out of my mind with boredom sometimes, but I’m wondering if that’s better than just running around and around and around.
I hate the mornings here cause I wake up and just don’t wanna face the sun. My battery recharges by lunch time, but still… Getting out of bed is so hard because… I don’t wanna work! And yeah, just because my bed’s so comfy and warm and my bear’s there too.
So here I am, sitting in the office, after the CNY festivities and all, having so much trouble keeping my eyes open. Didn’t even bother with any make up today cause I just stood there staring at my stuff and didn’t feel like it. And I ask myself what am I doing here, working during my holiday back home?!
Ok ya, the money doesn’t hurt. Yes, I could possibly go crazy at home with nothing to do… But I should have gotten some part time job or sth where I work like 3 days a week.
Since this is just me being whiny and complaining… MOVING ON.
Coldplay’s Fix You came up on my iTunes playlist, and one line really caught me, “When you get what you want, but not what you need.” The song’s pretty bleak at the start, but hey we all go through times when we feel like that, no point hiding from it.
Been so busy the last few days that I haven’t really gotten around to reading more of my book, but I’m about halfway through I think and there’s a lot to chew on. It’s so easy to read, but it leaves so much for one to think on…
Today’s song: Fix You – Boyce Avenue (Coldplay Cover)
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can’t replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse?
Just woke up from an awesome Sunday afternoon nap and the first thing that sticks in my brain: gumdrop.
Saw Gingy’s gumdrop buttons and it stuck in my head and then the whole Gingy/Hansel & Gretel story kinda meshed into one and I had this short story in my head that ended with:
“It started with gumdrops.”
Don’t ask me why it was the end and not the beginning. If I still feel like it, maybe I’ll put the story into actual writing, but I somehow don’t think it’ll be as awesome as it sounds, and it doesn’t even sound that awesome actually…
The book I’m reading dedicated just about one entire chapter to pointing out that the problem with Christianity is a problem of depth.
Why do so many of us fall away or become lukewarm?
It is because our inner life lacks depth, it is because our relationship with God lacks depth. We may know all the bible verses there is to know, we may attend all the prayer meetings and services there are to attend, but we lack the true knowing of Christ in our inner being.
David made cultivating his inner life his one true goal.
Psalm 27:4 “One thing have I desired of the Lord, that I will seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple.”
Cultivating one’s inner life to some is just a goal amongst others, it my not be a goal at all to others. And yet to a few, it is THE goal.
It’s no longer just a question of growth, but of what kind of growth.
The two words have been stuck in my mind the last few days and I’ve been thinking about it on and off since then. I want to honour Him in every part of my life, I want the blessings of God in my life and I want His presence to be a tangible fragrance everywhere I go. But how do I honour Him?
Been talking to people, myself and God a lot since I got back home. That’s probably why I lost my voice
I’ve really enjoyed the time I’ve spent with each and everyone who matters, whether it was only a short time or not, but I think, especially in the last few days, that the time I’ve enjoyed the most is the time just before I go to bed when I’m in bed thinking over the things and conversations of the day and just trying to make the conscious effort to talk to God. I’m beginning to see with my heart that Christianity is really a relationship just like any other. It needs work. You can’t just say that you know someone and expect that someone to know you if you don’t spend quality time with each other.
And this leads me to the question: Do I know God and will He recognise me as His good and faithful child when I see Him in heaven? Sobering thought that. It’s put so clearly in the bible, for the wages of sin is death. Any sin be it big or small is sin, and if one of the commandments of God is to love Him wholeheartedly, with our entire being… Well, if we don’t is that not a sin from which we need to repent of too? God loves us, but He is also a holy and just God…
I’ve learned to love the Lord, but I think I’m also learning to fear Him too.
So, I’ve decided that I want to honour Him in every part of my life, especially in 2 areas. One is in my tithing and the other is in my relationships with people.
God has been speaking to me about tithing for awhile now, about taking it one step further and trusting Him that little bit more, so I made the decision yesterday that I would do that. That whatever passes through my hands, the firstfruits will belong to Him.
Relationships. I’ve always struggled to make my relationships with people last, especially my friendships. I’m such an awful friend because I’ve always needed the physical presence of my friends to remind myself to keep investing in the relationship. And I’ve been travelling so much in the last year or so that it’s been pretty tough to keep my friendships going. Yes I have really understanding and awesome friends because most of the time when we meet again after not seeing each other for awhile, it’s as if I never left and they are usually the ones to remind me that we need to meet up and catch up. So on one hand I have trouble maintaining these relationships, but I want to go one step further and be able to honour God in these friendships. To be sensitive to the spirit and give advice that is not just sound but Godly too…
And well, hmmm…. relationships… yep. I wanna honour God especially in this. Just had a quick chat with the mother just now during lunch and I shared with her a little of what I’ve been thinking and feeling and she gave me her two cents worth. I must admit that it wasn’t easy just taking it, not that she was scolding me or anything. I think she’s rather glad actually that I’m doing what I’m doing, but some of her thoughts aren’t exactly what I want to hear. But I’m hearing it anyway. I want to entrust this to God, because I know that He will not fail me. And I trust Him enough to listen to my mother’s thoughts on this. It’s not all that different form mine. It was really just one thing that she said. But oh well… Still chewing on that. And goodness knows, I will have more than enough time to process it.
Feeling quite encouraged so far, with everything that I’m hearing and everything that I’m reading. Finally started to really ask God about some things I never really wanted to ask before because I didn’t want to know the answer, but I’ve made my peace with that and I know that whatever the answer is for the long run, I’m ready to listen and obey.
Wanted to post about my reading last night about a deeper Christianity and discipleship, but I guess that’ll wait till later or tomorrow:)
The last week or so I have no idea how many times I’ve come to this page and just sat staring and wondering what I should or can blog about.
No point blogging about some angsty thing or other because… oh well. What’s the point?
So….
I started reading Edmund Chan’s Cultivating Your Inner Life as part of my holiday goal to read at least 2 Christian books. It’s a really easy read and yet it’s a really good book. I’ve taken to writing down what impacts me the most from each chapter that I read every night after my QT. I’ve only read 3 chapters so far, but the first chapter and the third chapter has really stuck with me I think.
Only one line in the first chapter really stuck with me. “I waited in silence”, but I think this one line says more than it seems to does it not? It’s not just about the earnest praying, the going out and actually doing things, but it’s also about the times when you are quiet in the presence of God, just waiting for Him to input into your life and to point out things that you need to work on or… Hmmm… You know how it’s like with people you love, when you’re content simply to just sit next to each other in silence, when you have run out of things to talk about and you’re enjoying just being with each other? Yep.
Especially when I’m alone in my room, I’m not very comfortable with complete silence and a quiet spirit. When I’m doing my QT at least my brain is working and my thoughts are noisy. But after QT when I’m just sitting there, I’m usually either singing or talking to God out loud. Sitting there in silence is disconcerting usually.
Anyhoos. The other thing last night was about surrender. So many things jumped out at me that I’m hard pressed to type it all down cause I left my notebook at home. But I guess surrender is nothing new. I’ve always struggled with God over what’s logical to my human mind and what He says that doesn’t seem logical to me. I’ve always struggled with letting go of my own expectations and dreams and letting Him steer the ship for me. It’s kind of a control thing I guess. I’m learning. But there’s such a long way more to go, especially in this season of my life. I need to learn to just let God set the pace.
So….
Yep, I miss the passion and fellowship of the UQ 1 & 2 peeps. I miss immersing myself so much in the things of God cause Now I’m spending my days in the office and when I get home I’m so tired I just wanna drop. But I just realised that one of my holiday goals when I’m here in SG was to attend LG. So I will. Tonight.
Let’s see how it goes!
Today’s song: When The Rain Comes – Third Day
I can’t stop the rain from falling down on you again I can’t stop the rain But I will hold you till it goes away
Hopelessly I feel like there might be something that I’ll miss Hopelessly I feel like the window closes oh so quick Hopelessly I’m taking a mental picture of you now ‘Cuz hopelessly The hope is we have so much to feel good about
Smile not because your only other choice is to cry, but smile because there’s always something to feel good about.
