Protected: Hear my heart

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A bird with a fishline around its ankle

You gotta learn to let go sooner or later, or the bird will slowly die, no matter your intentions and no matter how much you love it.

It’s not that the bird hates you even, it’s simply that it’s its nature to fly, sometimes flying where you can never go. But if it loves you enough, if you loved it enough, it will always come back. Not forever, but it will always come back.

If you keep the bird on the fishline, its wings will never grow properly never be used properly, and it will never ever learn how to fly. And when the day comes that you cannot be there to hold it down any longer, when you are not around to protect it any longer, to feed it…. The bird can’t even fly to safety, it can’t move fast enough to get the best food. So when you die, you condemn it too.

School has started

Yes, the sad truth is that school has started.

My goals for the rest for the rest of the semester:

1. To continue handing in all my assignments on time

2. PASS WebD. Even if it’s just a D. Dreamweaver hates me. Design hates me. See all the Ds.

3. Do well for ComIss Radio and PR.

4. Make more of an effort not to be such a loner all the time.

5. Spend more time with God.

6. Spend more time with those who have been with me through everything.

7. Put more effort in sharing what’s really going on with me with those I trust.

Well, that’s all I have for now, but I think it’s quite enough. I may not even be able to accomplish all that, much less if I added anything else to the list.

Open House is in 2 days time and it still feels as if it’s a long way off, even though I see Th Atrium being transformed in preparation for it. I’m excited, but it’s a vague excitement. Somehow life seems kind of surreal right now. I find myself simply walking through the last few days and not really feeling it at all. No idea why though. It’s not an emo kinda thing, it’s more a void-of-extreme-feeling kinda thing, I think. Heh. But this may be good, to help me slow down my pace of life somewhat, to do things without getting entangled in too many emotions so that I can focus on what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. It may last, it may not. Who knows?

A winter wonderland after all

And I got my prayers answered when we were about to reach Cappadocia. It SNOWED last night. Like crazy snow. Like a blanket of snow kind of snow. And that includes the bone chilling cold. Fortunately for us, the snow clouds were gone by the time morning arrived. Boy I could feel my bones rattling when I was in the hot air balloon ride this morning. But boy was it beautiful:) The snow had stopped sometime in the night, leaving behind soft ice everywhere. A whole landscape of white with brown mountains. I even saw a fox chasing a rabbit in the snow on a mountain!

Of all the places I’ve been, this is the coldest yet. It was definitely below 5 degrees the whole day today, I went around looking like Rudolf the red nosed reindeer. And Christmas is over… I’m definitely gonna have a cold new year’s, but it has yet to be determined if the snow will still be around then. It stayed around today and we’ve been playing with it the whole day. We shall see if it’s still around tomorrow. Dang but it’s supposed to get even colder tomorrow in Ankara. 5 to -2 degrees. Brrr…

A cold new year… or maybe not.

Well here I am, safe and sound in Istanbul. It’s a really different place from everywhere I’ve been so far. Some places kinda just seem the same as some other place, but Turkey is just… different. It’s this really quaint mix between Russia, Malaysia and that something else. Cobbled streets that are hell on your feet when you’ve basically been on your poor feet for 2 whole days. Huge majestic mosques and old churches, places, cramped housing, horrid roads in towns, but above it all it, the land seems really old A kinda sad old, that it has been through a lot, seen the rise and fall of many empires, and yet, here it is, waiting for times to change once again.

One of my first thoughts here was that the place is really stark. The buildings are really functional, but not a big testament to architecture. But I guess that’s because they have more than enough awesome architecture concentrated in it’s ancient buildings.

Am now waiting for dinner to start, in another half an hour’s time at 7.30pm. Lunch was really nice. Had this really fragrant grilled chicken that was really tender.

My only complaint is that it’s not as cold as I thought it would be. Mom said it’s gonna get colder and I really hope it does. Today was 14 degrees? But it felt more like 18. nice and coll, but you can walk around without a jacket. Wen the wind blows, it can get a little chilly, but other than that… Not the cold Boxing Day I was hoping for. But there’s still hope!

On a side note… the guys here are hot. But that’s probably because I have yet to see any guys pleasing to my eyes in the longest time, so I’m probably deprived. Deprived but not desperate k… Alright, gotta go get some work done, which is the whole reason why I actually have my laptop here with me, and had to lug it everywhere I went today… SIGHS…

Protected: Things I just can’t say

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Worse and worse

My writing is just deteriorating…

I can’t write an essay for nuts. When I could once spout arguments that could last 1200 words easy, this is just… depressing.

My vocabulary of late has been decidedly… lackluster.

Don’t even talk about spelling, I don’t know what I would do without spellcheck. If I didn’t have that, I would constantly be misunderstood by everyone because I typed something totally different from what I meant.

And then there’s content and presentation. Well. As seen from me writing this post, it is coherent but not entertaining, amusing or anything along those lines. It’s shallow and simply beyond the pale.

Thank goodness journalism is not my goal, but I still need to write well!!! UGH. What’s happening to me? Is my brain rotting? But how can that be when I’m still using it? Maybe I’m getting old and am losing brain cells by the millisecond and my brain cell factory simply can’t keep up. Do I even have  a brain cell factory? If I don’t does it mean that I only lose brain cells and never gain new ones?! What a depressing prospect…

In a corner of my heart…

Someone asked me a question today, out of the blue:

Don’t you get lonely?

It stumped me for a moment, I simply didn’t know what to say, I then brushed it off with a simple “Doesn’t everyone get lonely sometimes?” and a smile.
Most of the time, when people see me, they see a very independent girl who has never been in a relationship because she doesn’t want, it, have time for it, etc. And most of the time, it’s so true. I can’t see how I could possibly fit a guy into my life.
And yet there are times when I feel so terribly alone. It doesn’t matter how many people I have around me, or even who for that matter. It just seems as if the whole world has someone special, that someone to share the tears and the laughter, that someone to just stay on the phone with, even if you don’t say anything. And I… don’t.

Most people have a group of friends, a clique or whatever, but I don’t. Not really. In church now, I don’t really belong anywhere, and I haven’t for so many years. In school, I don’t have that group that I feel I can take refuge in. In ambs… I guess it’s too late now cause I don’t wanna barge in to the groups that have already formed. Most of the time, it seems it’s me, the outsider looking in. I do need my alone time, but when I get back to the world, it seems that it has moved on without me and I just don’t see the point in trying to catch up, to try and join cliques that have been established. And yet the more I do this, the worse I feel each time. It’s a vicious vicious cycle.

So many times, people have commented that I’m really popular or that I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me and that I have a lot of friends. I generally just smile, but inside I’m correcting them. I don’t think I’m really popular, it’s just that life has brought me into contact with many people. I do know a lot of people, but I don’t have that many friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not a lot of friends. It’s a world of difference.

I don’t wanna sound pathetic, and I don’t wanna feel this way, throw a pity party for myself and all that, but sometimes… I feel so very very alone. Maybe I’m never meant to really fit in anywhere.

This kept weighing on my mind on the way back home today and it hasn’t quit. This and the many what ifs that creep into my thoughts.

I may seem like the really confident one, the one who is a friend with anyone and everyone. The truth is that I’m horribly crippled in one area. I simply don’t know how to deal with crushes/love/whatever.  If a guy says he likes me, I don’t know how to deal with it and I just back off. If I like a guy, I don’t do anything about it, well other than obsessing about it of course. But even if I did like a guy and he reciprocated those feelings, I wouldn’t know what to do about it. In fact, it happened, and I just backed off. It’s these situations that come back to haunt me and I think… what if…

But it’s so useless having these thoughts, so once in awhile, I indulge in my own private pity party, then I pack up the emotions and thoughts that are not helping, and squeeze them into this little place inside of me, and carry on as I normally do.

And yet… sometimes, it just seems as if I’m alone in my corner, me against the world, and I feel so alone and tired of fighting a losing battle.

Love songs brainwash you

I say, love songs totally brainwash you. Especially young impressionable kids who don’t know anything better. They give you an image of love that is totally irrational and unattainable, and then everyone goes around looking for the ‘perfect’ love, when there is really no such thing in the BGR world. They are so busy looking for the ‘perfect’ love that they totally miss the RIGHT love. Is that not such a depressing thought?!

I’m not saying I hate songs from Taylor Swift or anything, they’re nice to listen to once in awhile and can SOMETIMES make you wanna believe in a brighter more beautiful world, but that’s just not reality yo… So many people spend their lives with their heads in the clouds. But guess what? The clouds are a long way from the ground and when you fall… Gosh but I bet it really hurts.

Random stream of consciousness: can guys and girls really remain just as platonic friends? Guess it depends on the people involved eh.

I just realized that Chinese love songs can be really really good emo songs cause a lot of them have really emo tunes and I THINK they have emo words too. Too bad my Chinese isn’t that good that I actually understand most of what they’re saying. Maybe that should be inspiration enough for me to brush up on my mother tongue! Uh… maybe not now.

*yawns* Pris will not fall asleep during lecture today. She was struggling to stay awake during Feature. Struggling. Because she stayed up late last night finishing her report on SPH’s financials. Why? She isn’t even doing a business course! Yeah, she isn’t but she is doing an extra minor certification in business… So there you have it. Pris will set a record and not fall asleep during PR lecture this week, for the uh 2nd or 3rd week in a row. Hopefully.

On the airwaves!

People like to ask me what I wanna do in the future.

Seriously, I have no idea. I’d like to go into PR, but when you’re in Mass Com, there are so many things you can do. You don’t do everything well, yes, but still you CAN do a lot of stuff. Like radio and me. I quite like radio, I think I do alright with it, and it is a viable career option, but whether I WANT to do it is another matter. I don’t know.

Well, something quite funny happened yesterday. I have an on-air radio test in around 1 and a half hours time, so I was practicing yesterday after school. I was happily doing my show and just after I started, I saw a guy walk pass the studio. Ok here’s e logistics I’m at the console, in front of me is this 2-way glass panel and on the other side is the corridor. So the guy was walking in the corridor.I noticed him stopping outside the glass panel, then I just tuned him out. Because I had a lot of things to focus on…

SO, when I finally finished my first practice, I turned around and was talking to Clare, Sarah Nat, Lenne, Naf and Hui Shan, when Clare suddenly said, “Uh, Pris, there’s this guy outisde applauding.” Of course I was like wth… and seriously, the guy was outside clapping… I was like, ahhh… thank you. Mouthing the words of course. Then he picked up his stuff and went off. weirdness…

I think he must be some year 1 who really really really likes radio. But it was nice to know that hey I wasn’t so bad after all for my second time at the console.

All the best for your test later Pris!