Breathing underwater

Gee… What happens when you’re human and you breathe underwater?

I’d have to say that… you’ll drown.

I simply have nothing else to say right now. Disappointments, frustration, tiredness… Most times it feels like I can deal with life, that everything’s ok. Then it all comes down. Like a house of cards.

God, teach me to walk ON water and not drown?

Sometimes the answers seem so logical and so obvious, and yet, somehow, you can’t bring yourself to do what you’re supposed to.

Sometimes I really have to wonder… Why life? Not why live, but something else. It’s the dilemma of living in the world and yet not being a part of it. Or something. Sometimes you just wanna distance yourself from all these petty concerns and worries, but yet you can’t do that, not totally. So, I guess I feel something like this…

Traffic – Marie Digby

This is the third time this week
that i find myself wandering down your street
and i can’t seem to give it up
i’ve even stopped making these excuses
for why you’re stuck here in my thoughts
when it’s been long enough

and i try to keep myself moving
but i’m not getting anywhere

i wait in the same spot
brain like a parking lot
you’re the traffic in my head
you’re the reason that i’m wrecked
i pray for it to stop
like rain on the sidewalk
the traffic in my head, you’re the traffic in my head
there’s just too much to forget

guess i should be happy now
everything is back to how it was
before you came around
i’m already changing
and i’ve even tried
to find a new distraction
but still you surround
as if it’s not hard enough

and i try to keep myself moving
but i’m not getting anywhere

a part of me thinks that i’m going crazy
the world’s spinning, my vision is hazy
and none of this makes any sense
i never meant for this to end
i can do what i have to do
if i could only get around you…

And life goes on

STOP.

Sometimes, I guess that’s what we need to do.

Just stop and be happy, and not rush around trying to chase happiness.

You know what? I’m happy being single. It’s so much easier. Oh let me recount the ‘whys’

1. You’re free. You can happily look at other guys, you can talk with them without giving them the wrong idea cause you’re attached and can honestly tell them that. Even though this is just one point, I really think that it’s the one that makes the most difference because I really do value my independence. When you’re in a relationship, no matter how casual (what’s with that anyway? you’re either in a relationship or you’re not right?), there are expectations and misunderstandings. I totally believe in the take it slow and give each other space advice.

2. You have more time to do other stuff. Go out with girlfriends, random friends etc. Seriously, with my life the way it is now, I do not see how I could possibly have time for a boyfriend unless he’s willing to see me like er maybe once a week? And that’ll probably be in church too.

3. There’s lesser things to worry about, lesser things to think about. I need to focus on my studies. Want me to repeat that? I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY STUDIES. I’m not happy with the grades I’m getting now. Yes, some people would say that I’m crazy, but personally, I think I could do better. Ok maybe not this sem, because there’s Web Design. *cries* But well… yeah I could do better. I’m judging myself not by anyone else’s standards, but by my own. When you have a boyfriend, fine you share each other’s burdens, but you also start to worry about…. uh… stuff.

And well, to give a more balanced argument, here’s why it’s good/nice/necessary to have a boyfriend, though if you know me well enough, you will recall one of my favourite shirts, “Please explain to me again why I need a boyfriend.”

1. Hmmm… maybe when u have a boyfriend you can dress however horribly? But it depends on the guy, yes?

2. Not so lonely? You’ll have someone who will be more willing to go for lunch with you if you’re alone, someone to call/msg in awkward situations. AND someone to send “HELP” msgs to. Like when you need someone to call you to get out of an awkward situation… hahaha… Wait, girlfriends can do that too.

3. uhhhh…. gimme a minute. I’m thinking. OH! You can talk with other guys without giving them the wrong idea cause you’re attached and can honestly tell them that you’re attached.

4. If some guy tries to hit on you, you can tell them you’re attached, smile, say sorry, feel flattered and walk away. It’s kinda like no. 4, but erm, different? Still there are some guys who are so desperate that the fact that you’re attached does not deter them in the least. Had this guy once who conned my number from me, and kept asking me out even after I told him I was not available (he took it to mean that I was attached, but hey I never said that) and not interested in going out with someone I just met. I got so desperate, I complained to Eleanor and she picked up one of his calls and pretended to be my lesbian partner. HAHAHAHAHA! Gosh but I will never forget that! I was laughing so hard in the background and trying to be silent about the whole thing…

5. AHHHH…. I dunno. I guess I’ll have more to add if/when I finally do decide to get attached?

So there you have it. I actually wrote a post before on the 10 reasons why I’m not attached (because I got so tired with everyone asking me the same question. They’re still asking, but I’m not answering) on my old blog, but I deleted the blog:)

Wow, I’m actually blogging 2 days in a row. And I’m so tired I have a headache, BUT, I still have to do WebD… Wrestle with Fireworks, Photoshop, Dreamweaver, Illustrator & Flash. I never saw myself doing anything web-y in the past. I still don’t see myself doing it in the future. but here I am… doing it.

GAH. At the end of the day, my complaint is still the same. Why does it seem as if there aren’t any suitable guys in my environment? Ok I shall stop there.

Need. To. Sleep. And get a life. But not in the foreseeable future because I can see that school’s gonna killl meeee.

This & That

I’m feeling a little hmmm and a little uhhhh….

It’s a little bit of this and that.

Did I do something or not do something and so I missed a chance? Or was there no chance in the first place? It was stimulating and made life all the more interesting while it lasted? Wait lasted? ha. for like what 3 days.

It was that familiar face. The kinda face I knew I had seen somewhere, and got myself a headache trying to figure out where. And then, figuring out that I probably just saw someone who looked similar and not the same.

I have concluded that one of the first things that attract me is a guy’s height. Next is probably his overall look. No shaggy sloppy guys for me, nope. Well then of course is his voice/language. I cannot imagine a future boyfriend who speaks in broken sentences and horrid enunciation and pronunciation… eeeewwwww. But yes, a guy’s height is really the first thing. Perhaps not the most important, but the first anyway.

I felt a little disappointed. While I walked dazedly out of school today (due to lack of sleep) I kept looking around. And then I was reminded of that horrid chapter in my JC chinese text “bei ying”. er… back shadow? direct translation of course.

But then again, when I got home, the first thing i did was totally out of my boundaries of sensible behavior. now perhaps that was worse and warrants me using ‘disgusted’. then again maybe not. ok yes, if you go according to my personal scale, but not if u use the general scale, that is comparing to others. still…

Yes, I know i’m not making any sense at all. But I understand what I’m trying to express even though these random paragraphs may not seem to link to each other at all. I believe I am thinking about just one incident, which has elicited many feelings. I guess first and foremost now is disgust… with myself? ok perhaps disgust is too strong a word. on second thought, it definitely is. the ‘why’ i shall keep to myself. probably because i still cannot believe myself, and second probably because i’m just being silly.

well obviously i need to sleep. look what kinda post I write after camp.

feeling hemmed in though.

When your best just isn’t enough.

What do I do when my best just isn’t enough?

How sure am I that I actually tried my best anyway?

Should I put in more effort in my studies and cut back on the extracurricular activities, ambassadors, church, and random other things like the 2 conferences, SYOG and stuff? And yet, I have to say that it’s these experiences that have shaped me and I really learn a lot from these things. Way more than I would otherwise have learned had I just stuck to my books. And yet, when I look at my results in comparison to others, they seem to look more and more dismal.

Perhaps the moral of the story is not to compare. And yet the moral of the story could just as easily be something else entirely.

When your best just isn’t enough, what are you to do??

F1 Mania

I heard:

F1 is 1/4 of F4…

There really isn’t much point to blogging anymore cause life’s mundane and the thoughts in my head simply refuse to be put on paper or otherwise. And even if I could, I’m not sure if I should or even want to.

Many of the thoughts in my head are pretty much revolving around the same things, so it’s pretty much all there in the archive anyway. They’re issues that are not gonna come to a nice simple end, not anytime soon anyway, so repeating them is really just a waste of time and internet space. Oh does the internet actually have a limit? I dun understand how u can store so much online in the virtual world, one which has no limit. I mean just about everything created by man or known to man has a limit. The world is only so huge, our lives are only so long etc. so surely the Internet has some kind of limit too?

Anyway, I really dun see what’s so great about F1… Seriously, not that I’m a sadist or anything, but the only really exciting parts are the start, the end, and the crashes… 61 laps… come on, I’ll probably only start watching at like the 40 something lap. Or maybe I won’t watch it at all…

I hate F1… fine that’s too strong. I guess F1 is just like any other sport like soccer and such, they have their own followings and groupies and all. Guess F1’s just not my thing…

One Thing: Hillsong

One thing I desire
One thing I seek
To gaze upon Your beauty
Your majesty

In the day of trouble
You cover me
In the secret place of refuge
Lord I will sing

So I pray to You
So I pray to You

Lord Your Name is higher than the heavens
Lord Your Name is higher than all created things
Higher than hope
Higher than dreams
The Name of the Lord

Was in Jon’s car with Liz at e wheel when this song started playing. Haven’t heard it in a long time, but it came at just e right e moment. I think it was kinda God’s answer to me because just before this, the usual morose thoughts was running around in my head and then this came on. Reminded me that He is really higher than everything, higher than my little worries, higher than what other people say or think… It reminded me once again that I needed to make Him the highest thing in my life, the one singular thing I seek.

Losing your dreams

Mandy Moore’s songs make me emo and full of self pity…
They make me think of the nonexistent status of my love-life. it has been nonexistent for such a long time, I sometimes start to wonder if I have the gift of celibacy. So many people keep telling me that they’re really curious what my boyfriend will be like. Even I, myself, cannot imagine what kind of guy will be willing to take me on. Really, looking at the guys that I know now, I cannot imagine ending up with one of them… The thought of that just makes me… morose. heh.
I really don’t want to be picky, and I really do know very nice guys, but they all seem wrong for me. I guess they are. After all, I can’t possibly have multiple guys who are ‘right’ for me, yes? There is only that one guy. But of course I need to actually find him first. And that thought makes me sink even deeper into the pits of despair. Ok, I’m being melodramatic. But seriously, I marvel at those who manage to find that one special person. Think of it, statistically speaking, those couples are miracles because everyone’s chances of finding The One is like what 1 in 1 billion? 6 billion people, half are the wrong gender, take out those who are too young or too old and MAYBE it’s around 1 billion? That’s bigger than Singapore!!! What’s e chances of The One even being IN Singapore?! ugh. I’m just thinking too much…
Well, another realization that I’ve had recently is that I’ve been letting so many of my dreams die. Why? Because above all, I’m a very practical person and I’ve had to let so many of them go because if I don’t, I’ll just lose a little more of myself every time I’m forced to give it up, as compared to letting go of it myself. Once, life was so full of opportunities and so bright, but the longer I live it, the more it seems as if it is being stifled and restricted every single time I breathe.

And yet, even though it seems like I’m slowly giving up many of my dreams, perhaps I’m starting to realize new ones? Things that I never thought I wanted to do, and yet here I am doing them and I’m happy.

So perhaps it’s a bittersweet thing. Saying goodbye to the old dreams, those that have become so comfortable because they’ve been there for so long even though they may not actually be yours but your parents’ or loved ones’, and looking forward to the new dreams, those of which you are uncertain where they will take you… Well, I guess for now, I’m going along on the ride of life. Not sure where I’d end up, the pits, a dead end or the end of the rainbow, where the pot of gold is…

It’s gonna be a crappy week…

Well today was fine and dandy till I had to go meet my parents downstairs to help them carry the groceries…. they called me at a really bad time, when i was multi tasking and not paying attention. They asked me to bring the trolley down and it clean slipped my mind. So I happily (fine, not that happily) went to meet them and lo and behold, because i forgot to bring the trolley me dad couldn’t buy his vice, coke and he got angry at me. And really it just wasn’t a good time, my mind was on the publicity for JG camp and stressed out over that and myriad other things that have been on my mind lately and i almost cried right there in NTUC.

So, i’m spending the whole of this week in school, for a scholarship workshop thingy and other ambassadors stuff. I have yet to feel the holidays because, let’s face it, since the hols started, i’ve been even more busy than during a normal school week…

So here i am sitting in my room, with the door closed, eating my dinner, which cost an unholy 6.50. it’s just rice… and stuff… talk about daylight robbery. I’m never buying from the store again…

Hello Holidays!

wait are you really who you say you are? because you’ve really changed and, seriously, I can’t even recognize you anymore!

So now what…

Well, the exams are over, which also means that the semester is over. This sem seems to have passed so fast. Wait, no, life seems to be passing by in a blur.

Had interesting conversations with 2 guys lately, Jeriel and Keann. Conversations with Keann is always interesting. But somehow, both revolved ard or at least touched on relationships, more specifically, on my lack of them. Hehe… Oh well, it seems like everyone’s hung up on my social status, but that’s an exaggeration. Keann said ppl may see me as some kind of beacon of hope. Those who are unattached anyway. He said sth like this, “Well people see you as hope. Like “I’m not attached… Oh wait, look there’s Pris! I can’t be that bad off…”" ok so that as not verbatim, but it was the gist of what he said. Wonder how I feel about that.

Anyway, advert was ok I guess, not great, but ok. MRM was a disaster. But after advert today, I had to go to town to run three errands. One of which was to send my Mac in for servicing, thus I will be lost in the world without my baby for maybe the next 5 days. Met Keann and he had nothing better to do so he tagged along too, thus our interesting conversation. Learnt quite a lot from him about mutual friends whom I’ve not caught up with for ages due to various reasons.

So here I am, In Mac’s at PS, using Keann’s laptop, watching time pass while I wait for 6.30pm to roll by whereby we will leave for our churches respectively. And Keann’s just sitting across from me. Wait, he’s slouched across the table. He fell asleep oh maybe half an hour ago.

I’m bored to death, I have no Mac, no storybooks, nothing to study… and I’m getting annoyed with the table behind me. 3 SA students… scandalous. 2 girls one guy and the girl just looked like she hugged e guy while trying to get her phone back which he took from her… Talk about immature. Jeez… e last time I reacted like that when someone took my phone was… it must be in secondary school. No I was NOT from SA… I shudder to be associated with those kids in uniform at the table behind me. What an utter disgrace because they’re loud, noisy and in full uniform…

I need to cut my hair. or do sth with my hair.

I’m bored.

Majorly bored.

and it’s only 6.03pm. 27 minutes to go.

Oh woe is me…

Life is so bleak. Why?

Exams.

What more is there to say?

But on the horizon the sun is about to rise. There is hope.

THE SEMESTRAL HOLIDAYS ARE COMING!